Speed Brakes for the Crash Dummy

Good day, fellow losers.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since my last blog post.

I have committed an act of procrastination towards my writing and have let my enormous hectic work load get the best of me.

Please forgive me for my transgressions…

… And yes, “transgressions” is a big word for me. I feel fancy and sophisticated all of a sudden. Hihi. Anyways…

Recently, I’ve been pretty suppressed with my thoughts and emotions about certain things. Particularly in matters of the heart.

I’m usually the one who goes in head first into the big fuzzy red brick wall of ( do I dare say it? ) LOVE, fueled by the…

“Perhaps…”,
“I can make it work”,
“Give them what they want and I’ll get what I want”,
and the “It will do”…

…attitude I picked up from my past relationships. And with nothing but a cheap helmet on ( crash test dummy much, I know ).

So what’s changed?

It’s the first time ( I think ) that I am able to fully speak about why I am changing my ways now. So here it goes…

It has a major thing to do with pain. Pain isn’t really a good thing in most cases. Especially when you’re sticking a long and rusty lead pipe into someone’s chest.

Because after almost 2 years of being together, I led myself to believe that if you force love hard enough, that eventually, it would be natural.

But there’s nothing natural about shoving someone into your heart with a mallet and hoping you will get used to it and they would stay there forever.

I’ve also had the unfortunate opportunity to destroy myself in the process. I foolishly denounced my principles, my preferences, and my happiness, just to be in a relationship. And ironically, I was wishing to find happiness there.

I was naive to think that I could skip ahead with “cheat codes” and expect to be triumphant in the end. I should have found love in myself first before searching for it in the arms of a stranger.

Experience - you have proven yourself to be my greatest teacher once again.

The worst is over. I’m glad that I’m on the path I’m on now – eyes forward and never looking back. Ok, maybe I’ll glance back every once in a while so I’ll remember what’s good for me.

Maybe that’s why I have my speed brakes on. I’m just fed up with going through the mundane and chaotic cycle of love. Now I’m learning to be patient, to actually take the time to learn and love both myself and another.

Now that’s cleared, just need to know now what love really is…

Sincerely yours,

Rasui Akira

Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )