I could only admire you from afar.
Can never tell how I truly feel.
I'd rather be silent, alone…
…than to lose you forever.
Since I was in the early stages of my maturity, I have long searched for someone who would care for me. Often disturbed by the sight of those who have found themselves intimately, I strived to obtain a personal connection of my own. Because of the envy that consumed me at the time, I rushed blindlessly into the raging sea of affection. Not knowing the consequences it would have. And so it has engulfed me in its massive whirlpools of chance. Eventually, it drowned me in great depression as each opportunity failed.
I was lost, confused, and even desperate. But soon I’ve found out the irrepressible truth - that nobody could ever learn to love someone as hideous as me. Society, the same one who offered all ideas of emotional optimism, has created these conformities that forever embody sentimental cynicism and hypocrisy.
As said in a movie, “Stripes for stripes… Spots for spots”
She’s a stripe.
I’m a spot.
…We could never be.
Maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe I’m delusional. Or maybe I’m right.
I have grown much, learned many things and known much about myself as an individual, as well as my emotional capacities to handle situations. But no matter how much I’ve developed, it will never please people.
A handsome face, a hot muscular physique, a nice sports car, wild sex - these are just a few things most people look for in a relationship.
Is she one of these people? People who look for the real essence of being together when they are not content with their partner or they have not sufficed there bodily appetites?
I’ve only met her for a few months. We have spent little time together and I’m still learning. Yet, my knowledge about her seems limited, thus disabling my abilities to fully please her.
… … … This is hopeless!
I am paranoid! I do not know how and I’m constantly afraid of the consequences my actions can bring.
I am delusional! I’m hoping she will be with me as time grows and old and weary.
Alas, I am right! I have no chance to at all…
So I worship you from a corner, wanting to tell you what I really feel about you. However, the thought of losing you weakens me even more.
I’d rather sleep tonight crying.
I’d rather be empty inside.
I’d rather be soulless…
…than not see you again
- Rasui Akira
