Numb

I spent almost three years being an inhabitant of a desolate soul. I’ve gone from the hopeful individual who assumed too much, to a shattered entity which eventually grew to become a dark and bitter character.

I’ve hated the world then, giving no love for almost all it encompasses; the ones who didn’t understood me, the ones who continuously kept me down, the promises of bliss I stupidly believed. Everything just made my stomach turn, my eyes flood with tears and my heart disintegrate into dust.

I felt no love for the world. I felt no love for myself.

It was long time ago, yet the scars remain fresh. With my haunting past still corrupting me, I often ask myself, could I ever be healed? Do I need to be healed? And with this, I must also ask if could ever love again. And if so do I even need to love again?

Love, which has been kept extensively, has now dissipated from my frail heart. The sadistic trials that trampled my very spirit, have unsuspectingly numbed my senses. Thus, I’m left dueling with emotions, frequently questioning my capabilities to identify love and to acknowledge such love. I’m left clueless, continuously swinging back and forth, being swept by the tide and will eventually be thrown back to shore once the waves have subsided.

Is this what I’ve been reduced to? Was my quest to search “the one” futile? Because now that I did found “the one”, I can’t even distinguish what I feel or even what she feels.

It can only go two ways: it could end up with one of us being hurt or it could end up with us being together.

The words that will soon flee my mouth will be the one to establish our fate. And may the words that escape thy lips would be enough to break the accursed spell that has been bequeathed upon me. May I speak the words of sincerity so I may not wound her will. May I not beseech her with my ambiguity and naivety of the subject.

May tomorrow be that day...

- Rasui Akira

Prisoner of Pain

I'm a prisoner of pain, struggling to be free.
To get away from all this agony.
I'm full of scars that cannot heal,
From all this suffering that I feel.

I'm a prisoner of pain, drowning in this heartache.
Not sure how much more of this I could take.
Lifelessly bleeding in this dark and lonely cell,
Longing to speak the words that I dare not tell.

I'm a prisoner of pain, crying in this sorrow.
All these pain left my heart all hollow.
There's no time that I don't feel melancholy.
What did I do to deserve such tragedy?

I'm a prisoner of pain, slowly passing away.
Dying so not to see another day.
This pain I feel has done its toll.
This pain has already reached its goal.
God, free my soul!

- Rasui Akira

Insomnia

You try to close your eyes, seeking refuge from the strain.
But still a force forbids you to have your retreat.
You’re helpless. You remain awake.

It’s exactly 4:41 am in this Tuesday morning. I have school in about 4 hours and yet I can’t sleep.

I spent hours staring at the dull ceiling of my bedroom, every minute driving me to complete restlessness. I grow weary and tired, struggling to attain the burden that has been set upon me this point in time. I’m troubled by my condition. Is there hope to cure me from my frailty?

Although this has drained some of my life force, I’m having numerous instances where I could contemplate on occasions which reside in my past, my present and my immediate future.

Maybe my incessant pondering has caused this ill faith. Perhaps. But I didn’t blame it.

I do seek for solitude now because this is tiring. Until I’ve attained much peace, I should stay here conscious, wondering through nowhere, lost in the depths of my illusions, and waiting for the sun.

- Rasui Akira

Hopeless

I could only admire you from afar.
Can never tell how I truly feel.
I'd rather be silent, alone…
…than to lose you forever.

Since I was in the early stages of my maturity, I have long searched for someone who would care for me. Often disturbed by the sight of those who have found themselves intimately, I strived to obtain a personal connection of my own. Because of the envy that consumed me at the time, I rushed blindlessly into the raging sea of affection. Not knowing the consequences it would have. And so it has engulfed me in its massive whirlpools of chance. Eventually, it drowned me in great depression as each opportunity failed.

I was lost, confused, and even desperate. But soon I’ve found out the irrepressible truth - that nobody could ever learn to love someone as hideous as me. Society, the same one who offered all ideas of emotional optimism, has created these conformities that forever embody sentimental cynicism and hypocrisy.

As said in a movie, “Stripes for stripes… Spots for spots”

She’s a stripe.
I’m a spot.
…We could never be.

Maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe I’m delusional. Or maybe I’m right.

I have grown much, learned many things and known much about myself as an individual, as well as my emotional capacities to handle situations. But no matter how much I’ve developed, it will never please people.

A handsome face, a hot muscular physique, a nice sports car, wild sex - these are just a few things most people look for in a relationship.

Is she one of these people? People who look for the real essence of being together when they are not content with their partner or they have not sufficed there bodily appetites?

I’ve only met her for a few months. We have spent little time together and I’m still learning. Yet, my knowledge about her seems limited, thus disabling my abilities to fully please her.

… … … This is hopeless!

I am paranoid! I do not know how and I’m constantly afraid of the consequences my actions can bring.

I am delusional! I’m hoping she will be with me as time grows and old and weary.

Alas, I am right! I have no chance to at all…

So I worship you from a corner, wanting to tell you what I really feel about you. However, the thought of losing you weakens me even more.

I’d rather sleep tonight crying.
I’d rather be empty inside.
I’d rather be soulless…
…than not see you again

- Rasui Akira