Hidden Within a Laughter

“Look beyond what you see…”, a silly animated primate uttered.
If only it was taken more seriously.

It has been one of society’s facts that one’s action explains more about his current disposition and perhaps his personality. But have it ever occurred to us that these actions: gestures, motions, and facial expressions, can hide a more complex allocation of our true identity – our emotions?

It was just two days ago, I accompanied someone who was doing some important errands. I’ve found myself struggling to be inconspicuous – discreet with feelings I felt for that person. I tried to stay strong, ignoring minor setbacks, like the several 10 – second glances, the emotionally-filled hand massages, and the awkwardly pathetic “happily ever after” visions.

When we talked, I’ve hidden almost all of my present insecurities towards “that person” within the lame laughs and hysterical babbles. The fear of rejection, the nervousness I’ve felt concerning “that person’s” reaction to my untimely confession, the sadness brought by the reality that we can never be - all of them was encompassed within a veil of methodical chuckles.

The fascinating, and maybe even disappointing, thing about what had happened is that “that person” never got a clue about what I was really going through. I’ve felt mad because he was too numb to sense it, too blind to see what was really there, and that was me. And yet, I was relieved that the worst hasn’t happened yet.

Maybe it is a human condition, hiding what we really want to express. It’s like a defense – mechanism, when we know that conveying the truth will lead to devastating ends, we find some other way to channel out our frustrations, anxieties, uncertainties, and the sort. This makes us feel at ease, even though there’s something terribly wrong, eating through our insides.

If only we were that brave to risk all just to be true. If only I was…

- Rasui Akira

When It's Gone

You’ve been with it the whole time,
Shared each moment without even caring.
And now when it’s slowly slipping away,
You realize its true importance.

Many of us have faced such a dilemma. Things don’t seem significant while they’re there – even if it helps you laugh, provides you company when you’re alone or even lets you borrow a few bucks when you’re out of luck. Why is it that the absence of something, or perhaps someone, emphasizes its existence?

The idea reared its ugly head within the depths of my being. Reality has once again concocted an evil scheme to rid me of my present bliss. Time and space was all it took to realize what was really there.

I felt it in my veins, in my conscience, and in my aura. But, I was too reluctant to assure myself that what I harbored was true. So I denied love even if it was yearning to be presented to that one special person ( you know who you are – let just use the codename “TAO” for reference ). I concealed, within the hollow regions of my troubled heart, the message that would either make or break our past, present and future.

Unfortunately, my hesitation may have cost me my comfort. It may have even heightened the burden I was carrying. As I come to the awakening that TAO may forever be lost to me, I took my chances and released all the emotions that lingered within me.

After my untimely revelation, I became hopeful – hopeful that TAO might reciprocate the LOVE that I feel. I remained a fool, eagerly wishing that TAO will linger.

But I don’t hold TAO’s destiny.

So it is certain that TAO will in fact leave me. And I’ll hopelessly wait for TAO’s return. Maybe, if I have told TAO sooner, I may have had the chance.

No, even that fantasy is too good for me.

To answer the question I stated earlier, maybe losing someone or something is the same as never even having that thing or person. There’s a void that needs to be filled – a black hole that resides within every one of us waiting for a big bang to turn that lifeless vacuum into a glorious star; the shining body that fills you up and makes you complete.

Too bad, fate is my enemy. It probably won’t give me that satisfaction of being even partially complete.

Ain’t life a bitch!

- Rasui Akira