A Friend's Anguish

I’m so blessed to have you…

Not being there when I really need you the most.
You’re such insensitive jerks!
Haven’t you realize that something’s wrong with me?
You must really think that staying away from me,
and not giving me a damn would help me.

If you’re not that important to me, I’ve already condemned you.
But it has turned out that I’m the one that has been condemned.
Wow! That’s really something…

I thought you were the ones that could,
And yet you’re so fucking preoccupied with your shit!

I’m just waiting for you guys to notice,
But I guess you’re all too blind.
I’m just waiting for you guys to lend me a hand,
But I guess I’m not worthy of that after all.

Don’t expect me to come begging for help…
If you really know me, I’m not like that.

We’ll just wait what comes first,
You’re concern…
… Or my funeral.

- Rasui Akira

written on July 26, 2005 – 2:00 PM

Hooked by Pain

We shouldn’t hold on to pain…

A phrase I’ve once heard from a HBO TV series and tried to live by the idea it permeated. But what if the pain itself held on to you like a deadly virus or a blood – sucking leech, and not the other way around? Could you find a way to fight back and protect yourself from it?

It is still unbearable. The burden, that has been resurrected from the ashes of my drastic young life, has been lingering within my core once again, disturbing little peace that I have.

I fear that I maybe regressing to the state I was before. Or maybe my situation has heightened unlike then. I’m afraid that it would be too much for me to handle.

My eyes are slowly closing now, and yet the discomfort of the discourse of my emotions has left me with no other choice but to keep on lying awake, trying to contemplate my circumstances, even if it is very futile.

I may hurt like this tomorrow, the next day, a month or two, even a year- who knows? I’m a complete wreck anyway. Why bother struggling with it? I’m going to loose to it anyway.

- Rasui Akira

written on July 26, 2005 – 1:55 AM

Permanently Damaged

I thought I was better, but I wasn’t.
My pain was just beginning…

It seemed that my journey towards a downward spiral ended a few years ago. I’ve started to become happy, rejoicing that somehow I’ve healed. Now my misconception has led me to devastation’s end. Like a dormant volcano, my anguish was just resting, building up a more powerful eruption that I couldn’t control.

Alas, my soul has once again being shaken and torn up by the tremors my heart has unleashed. And, when the time has come where help is in dire need of, its amount has plummeted to an all time low. It’s so amazingly surprising that I have been given peers that are very reliable in your time of despair.

I don’t want to be like a helpless dog.
If you won’t give me at least a bit of your sympathy,
then I won’t beat it out you.

To add to that, why are those people - let’s rephrase that - why is that person who is ready to comfort you is so ironically situated at the far side of the earth.

I’m in a desert in the middle of nowhere – no oasis, no food, no shade.
My only sanctuary will be the buzzards that will pick on my flesh once I’m dead.

If you want to kill me, get on with it! No reason to spare me. I’m just an insignificant speck, a small contingent of the vast population which contains people far more superior and worthy than me, right?

So why give me a chance? No one else has given me one.

My hope has died along with the sanity and reason I had left.

I know nothing… I’m a big lie…

I hurt so much that I want to bleed. I’m in so deep that I don’t know if there would be someone strong enough to pull me out of this abyss I’m plummeting to. I’m getting sick of the constant stereotypical advices that has been presented to me. At any moment, my heart could crush me, due to the massive swelling it’s been going through.

No one could understand… No one could save me… No one.

- Rasui Akira

written on July 25, 2005

Hidden Within a Laughter

“Look beyond what you see…”, a silly animated primate uttered.
If only it was taken more seriously.

It has been one of society’s facts that one’s action explains more about his current disposition and perhaps his personality. But have it ever occurred to us that these actions: gestures, motions, and facial expressions, can hide a more complex allocation of our true identity – our emotions?

It was just two days ago, I accompanied someone who was doing some important errands. I’ve found myself struggling to be inconspicuous – discreet with feelings I felt for that person. I tried to stay strong, ignoring minor setbacks, like the several 10 – second glances, the emotionally-filled hand massages, and the awkwardly pathetic “happily ever after” visions.

When we talked, I’ve hidden almost all of my present insecurities towards “that person” within the lame laughs and hysterical babbles. The fear of rejection, the nervousness I’ve felt concerning “that person’s” reaction to my untimely confession, the sadness brought by the reality that we can never be - all of them was encompassed within a veil of methodical chuckles.

The fascinating, and maybe even disappointing, thing about what had happened is that “that person” never got a clue about what I was really going through. I’ve felt mad because he was too numb to sense it, too blind to see what was really there, and that was me. And yet, I was relieved that the worst hasn’t happened yet.

Maybe it is a human condition, hiding what we really want to express. It’s like a defense – mechanism, when we know that conveying the truth will lead to devastating ends, we find some other way to channel out our frustrations, anxieties, uncertainties, and the sort. This makes us feel at ease, even though there’s something terribly wrong, eating through our insides.

If only we were that brave to risk all just to be true. If only I was…

- Rasui Akira

When It's Gone

You’ve been with it the whole time,
Shared each moment without even caring.
And now when it’s slowly slipping away,
You realize its true importance.

Many of us have faced such a dilemma. Things don’t seem significant while they’re there – even if it helps you laugh, provides you company when you’re alone or even lets you borrow a few bucks when you’re out of luck. Why is it that the absence of something, or perhaps someone, emphasizes its existence?

The idea reared its ugly head within the depths of my being. Reality has once again concocted an evil scheme to rid me of my present bliss. Time and space was all it took to realize what was really there.

I felt it in my veins, in my conscience, and in my aura. But, I was too reluctant to assure myself that what I harbored was true. So I denied love even if it was yearning to be presented to that one special person ( you know who you are – let just use the codename “TAO” for reference ). I concealed, within the hollow regions of my troubled heart, the message that would either make or break our past, present and future.

Unfortunately, my hesitation may have cost me my comfort. It may have even heightened the burden I was carrying. As I come to the awakening that TAO may forever be lost to me, I took my chances and released all the emotions that lingered within me.

After my untimely revelation, I became hopeful – hopeful that TAO might reciprocate the LOVE that I feel. I remained a fool, eagerly wishing that TAO will linger.

But I don’t hold TAO’s destiny.

So it is certain that TAO will in fact leave me. And I’ll hopelessly wait for TAO’s return. Maybe, if I have told TAO sooner, I may have had the chance.

No, even that fantasy is too good for me.

To answer the question I stated earlier, maybe losing someone or something is the same as never even having that thing or person. There’s a void that needs to be filled – a black hole that resides within every one of us waiting for a big bang to turn that lifeless vacuum into a glorious star; the shining body that fills you up and makes you complete.

Too bad, fate is my enemy. It probably won’t give me that satisfaction of being even partially complete.

Ain’t life a bitch!

- Rasui Akira