Where There Is Light

I find it easy to hide in the dark,
Where only loneliness resides.
Yet strange it is that I run,
To what I undoubtedly fear.

The solace it occasionally offered,
May have silenced the beasts within.
But now they growl even fiercer,
Ready to sink their teeth in.

I possess the vision of a bat,
And harbored the intuition of a stick.
Now I race with the speed of a sloth,
As I wish to become a man.

It was naive of me to trust,
To seek refuge from the light,
The place where my hopes stayed,
And waited for me to embrace them once more.

- Rasui Akira

written on December 4, 2005 – 08:55 PM

To Lay in Earth’s Arms

I frequently visit the empty shores,
That harbor occasional tranquility.
Within its bounds, I rest to take in,
All the peace that escaped me then.

I gaze at the unreachable,
While I witness the moon’s growing glory.
Dazzled by the light it shared,
With the darkness that approaches.

I clinch the earth beneath me,
As to feel its overflowing care.
Hoping that each grain I hold,
Will never depart my frail hands.

I long for the becoming of my hopes,
To be free from bitterness and cruelty.
And may the creeping tides wash away,
The anger and hate I planted within me.

Can you promise to not let me go?
Never let me fall prey to life’s anguish again.
May thy arms bring me comfort,
From sadness unimaginable.

- Rasui Akira

written on November 14, 2005 – 06:47 PM

Child of Sorrow

Helpless to those who chase her,
Aimlessly fleeing from the ambush.
Alas, attempts led to her capture.
Four walls concealed escape so wanted.

The clutch of darkness grew closer,
As the assailants stepped in with confidence.
Their eyes glared with demonic ambition,
Yet their faces were painted with innocence.

Screams echoed throughout the space,
One lone light stood witness.
The infiltration soon ended,
But its permanence will remain.

Her womb throbbed endlessly,
The impregnation of pain was completed.
Unwanted suffering that’ll last nine moons,
Has already started to haunt her being.

While she laid stricken dumb by chance,
She awaits the birth of cruel fate’s fruit.
A reminder of the unfortunate,
Which will scar her soul forever.

- Rasui Akira

written on November 2, 2005 - 5:48 AM

Stranger

Lost in a river of faces,
One stood unrecognizable.
Impervious to conformity,
Yet trapped by formality.

He remain unmoved,
As the fleet of shadows rush through.
Staring down the beaten road,
While he fumbled a lone cigarette.

The rain now poured,
Clearing path to absence.
He stayed to enjoy the drops,
Like it cleansed his’ being.

He lit another cigarette,
As he embraced the downpour.
He shivered with the anguish in him,
And inhaled the smoke.

Why do you stand there alone,
Wishing there was more,
From the rain and the smoke,
That encompassed you entirely?

He finally shed a tear,
Relieving little burden he carried.
As the thunder brought end to the storm,
He forcibly stood to reminisce still.

- Rasui Akira

written on October 27, 2005 – 9:21 PM

The Fallen

I lay on the frigid ground,
Clinching the earth with tainted hands,
Shattered by the spikes of the land,
Which once held my being dearly.

Sense of gladness has fleeted,
Hastened by the shame that was dealt.
One blow from a fist so trusted,
Was all it took to destroy me.

So inept to recover.
Life leeches my living carcass,
Hope seeps as the sun stings wounds.
May the wind carry my anguish.

It is futile to refuse.
Stubbornness’ lead me to this end.
These plains may hide my torture,
But my blood will curse it eternally.

- Rasui Akira

written in October 17, 2005 – 07:00 AM

Running Man

Why do you run, running man?
Is it to escape the breeze that clings to you?
The wind speak of terrible times passed, murmuring each anguish.
Foreign howls also lash at you, enforcing karma’s revenge.
Harmless, yet wounds quickly.

It is misleading to ignore the voices.
Evident it is, yet denial exudes from you.
A prisoner of your own cell,
Bound to the inevitable,
Still rebellious.

Thus you continue to flee, flee to freedom’s gate,
To be uninhibited by memories.
Yet to no avail, it’ll haunt you.
Calluses embedded on soles will be thy mark,
Of futile attempts to decamp from thy fears.

- Rasui Akira

written in October 12, 2005 – 02:23 AM

The Drought

Lost in the barren wastelands of you,
Perched grounds that roots can’t hold on to.
What happened to the forest that once grew,
In the depths of your soul, which I once knew?

No rain to quench thy earth we harbor,
No tears left for me to offer.
Chanting to the skies for a solution,
Yet the heavens has no contribution.

I wither under the sun’s fury,
Crippling under cruel fates’ glory.
Still I’m stagnant, unflinching,
But slowly, faith loses, dying.

Can’t see an image, even a shadow.
Just footprints you left I tried to follow.
Etched on the ground, burned in my head,
Gone at the edge, tracks now fled.

Now I have this drought,
A boundless desert of doubt.
As you’ve found your new Garden of Eden,
May you remain content as my hopes weaken.

- Rasui Akira

written in October 5, 2005 – 11:45 AM

Despised

Rain pours on thy flesh, still they mock me,
Assured by the suggestion their naivety had shown them.
Silently, I laugh at their ridiculous plight to scathe me.
Underneath, I’m anxious to receive smiting.
Inevitable, they would enjoy it.

As they’re blinded by the smoke that I breathe,
Knowing that there wrath will grow,
I remain stalwart, unmoved by the chaos.
Rest assured that you will despise me tomorrow,
And again I would laugh at you evilly, ‘cause you could never touch me.

- Rasui Akira

written on September 27, 2005 – 12:24 AM

Cut You Deep

You haven’t changed, though time passed briskly.
You still linger in your naive thoughts of my becoming.
Clouded by the stubbornness you harbor,
Aimlessly seeking for a means to your end,
A biased answer for your satisfaction.

I would have given you the sympathy I’ve once had for you,
Indulged in the illusion you wanted.
But it would be too senseless and redundant.
We’d be another one of fools’ victims.

The message never really reached you.
It still remains in the air that surrounds your entity.
Graciously available, trying to get in, so that you might understand.
Yet, you’ve kept you’re doors closed, only letting what you want in.

I’m deeply troubled by your anguish, but you left me no other choice.
I have to cut you deep, scathing through your aura.
So that, once and for all, you could feel it.
This may be unreasonable, but in time you would see,
That wounds I’ve caused will bring scars to remind you of your own unjustness.

- Rasui Akira

written on September 25, 2005 – 2:28 AM

A Friend's Anguish

I’m so blessed to have you…

Not being there when I really need you the most.
You’re such insensitive jerks!
Haven’t you realize that something’s wrong with me?
You must really think that staying away from me,
and not giving me a damn would help me.

If you’re not that important to me, I’ve already condemned you.
But it has turned out that I’m the one that has been condemned.
Wow! That’s really something…

I thought you were the ones that could,
And yet you’re so fucking preoccupied with your shit!

I’m just waiting for you guys to notice,
But I guess you’re all too blind.
I’m just waiting for you guys to lend me a hand,
But I guess I’m not worthy of that after all.

Don’t expect me to come begging for help…
If you really know me, I’m not like that.

We’ll just wait what comes first,
You’re concern…
… Or my funeral.

- Rasui Akira

written on July 26, 2005 – 2:00 PM

Hooked by Pain

We shouldn’t hold on to pain…

A phrase I’ve once heard from a HBO TV series and tried to live by the idea it permeated. But what if the pain itself held on to you like a deadly virus or a blood – sucking leech, and not the other way around? Could you find a way to fight back and protect yourself from it?

It is still unbearable. The burden, that has been resurrected from the ashes of my drastic young life, has been lingering within my core once again, disturbing little peace that I have.

I fear that I maybe regressing to the state I was before. Or maybe my situation has heightened unlike then. I’m afraid that it would be too much for me to handle.

My eyes are slowly closing now, and yet the discomfort of the discourse of my emotions has left me with no other choice but to keep on lying awake, trying to contemplate my circumstances, even if it is very futile.

I may hurt like this tomorrow, the next day, a month or two, even a year- who knows? I’m a complete wreck anyway. Why bother struggling with it? I’m going to loose to it anyway.

- Rasui Akira

written on July 26, 2005 – 1:55 AM

Permanently Damaged

I thought I was better, but I wasn’t.
My pain was just beginning…

It seemed that my journey towards a downward spiral ended a few years ago. I’ve started to become happy, rejoicing that somehow I’ve healed. Now my misconception has led me to devastation’s end. Like a dormant volcano, my anguish was just resting, building up a more powerful eruption that I couldn’t control.

Alas, my soul has once again being shaken and torn up by the tremors my heart has unleashed. And, when the time has come where help is in dire need of, its amount has plummeted to an all time low. It’s so amazingly surprising that I have been given peers that are very reliable in your time of despair.

I don’t want to be like a helpless dog.
If you won’t give me at least a bit of your sympathy,
then I won’t beat it out you.

To add to that, why are those people - let’s rephrase that - why is that person who is ready to comfort you is so ironically situated at the far side of the earth.

I’m in a desert in the middle of nowhere – no oasis, no food, no shade.
My only sanctuary will be the buzzards that will pick on my flesh once I’m dead.

If you want to kill me, get on with it! No reason to spare me. I’m just an insignificant speck, a small contingent of the vast population which contains people far more superior and worthy than me, right?

So why give me a chance? No one else has given me one.

My hope has died along with the sanity and reason I had left.

I know nothing… I’m a big lie…

I hurt so much that I want to bleed. I’m in so deep that I don’t know if there would be someone strong enough to pull me out of this abyss I’m plummeting to. I’m getting sick of the constant stereotypical advices that has been presented to me. At any moment, my heart could crush me, due to the massive swelling it’s been going through.

No one could understand… No one could save me… No one.

- Rasui Akira

written on July 25, 2005

Hidden Within a Laughter

“Look beyond what you see…”, a silly animated primate uttered.
If only it was taken more seriously.

It has been one of society’s facts that one’s action explains more about his current disposition and perhaps his personality. But have it ever occurred to us that these actions: gestures, motions, and facial expressions, can hide a more complex allocation of our true identity – our emotions?

It was just two days ago, I accompanied someone who was doing some important errands. I’ve found myself struggling to be inconspicuous – discreet with feelings I felt for that person. I tried to stay strong, ignoring minor setbacks, like the several 10 – second glances, the emotionally-filled hand massages, and the awkwardly pathetic “happily ever after” visions.

When we talked, I’ve hidden almost all of my present insecurities towards “that person” within the lame laughs and hysterical babbles. The fear of rejection, the nervousness I’ve felt concerning “that person’s” reaction to my untimely confession, the sadness brought by the reality that we can never be - all of them was encompassed within a veil of methodical chuckles.

The fascinating, and maybe even disappointing, thing about what had happened is that “that person” never got a clue about what I was really going through. I’ve felt mad because he was too numb to sense it, too blind to see what was really there, and that was me. And yet, I was relieved that the worst hasn’t happened yet.

Maybe it is a human condition, hiding what we really want to express. It’s like a defense – mechanism, when we know that conveying the truth will lead to devastating ends, we find some other way to channel out our frustrations, anxieties, uncertainties, and the sort. This makes us feel at ease, even though there’s something terribly wrong, eating through our insides.

If only we were that brave to risk all just to be true. If only I was…

- Rasui Akira

When It's Gone

You’ve been with it the whole time,
Shared each moment without even caring.
And now when it’s slowly slipping away,
You realize its true importance.

Many of us have faced such a dilemma. Things don’t seem significant while they’re there – even if it helps you laugh, provides you company when you’re alone or even lets you borrow a few bucks when you’re out of luck. Why is it that the absence of something, or perhaps someone, emphasizes its existence?

The idea reared its ugly head within the depths of my being. Reality has once again concocted an evil scheme to rid me of my present bliss. Time and space was all it took to realize what was really there.

I felt it in my veins, in my conscience, and in my aura. But, I was too reluctant to assure myself that what I harbored was true. So I denied love even if it was yearning to be presented to that one special person ( you know who you are – let just use the codename “TAO” for reference ). I concealed, within the hollow regions of my troubled heart, the message that would either make or break our past, present and future.

Unfortunately, my hesitation may have cost me my comfort. It may have even heightened the burden I was carrying. As I come to the awakening that TAO may forever be lost to me, I took my chances and released all the emotions that lingered within me.

After my untimely revelation, I became hopeful – hopeful that TAO might reciprocate the LOVE that I feel. I remained a fool, eagerly wishing that TAO will linger.

But I don’t hold TAO’s destiny.

So it is certain that TAO will in fact leave me. And I’ll hopelessly wait for TAO’s return. Maybe, if I have told TAO sooner, I may have had the chance.

No, even that fantasy is too good for me.

To answer the question I stated earlier, maybe losing someone or something is the same as never even having that thing or person. There’s a void that needs to be filled – a black hole that resides within every one of us waiting for a big bang to turn that lifeless vacuum into a glorious star; the shining body that fills you up and makes you complete.

Too bad, fate is my enemy. It probably won’t give me that satisfaction of being even partially complete.

Ain’t life a bitch!

- Rasui Akira

Forbidden

I gaze upon your glorious image,
Stood bedazzled by your aura.
Dreamt of your eternal touch,
That'll soothe my shakened being.

But like the fruit contained in the garden of bliss,
You must forever remain untampered.
No one can ever taste your luscious essence,
For it might bring despair to whom who disturbs your peace.

Though you are forbidden to thy reach,
My longing for such grace has left me weak.
Disabled by the insatiable hunger,
That resides within the depths of my core.

Do I defy the law and receive thy smiting?
Or should I remain and persist to worship you endlessly.
Only my will could attest such inquiry.
So for now, I must be solemn until judgment is certain.

- Rasui Akira

written on February 16, 2005

Shackled

Encompassed in a world of irony,
Aided by wayward blasphemy.
From the silence, I must retreat,
And utter words of my defeat.

But shackled is me, can't move about.
Restrained by my paltry doubt.
On what and what's not to abstain,
On pleasures that I should contain.

Long I faced the disabling gust,
That ingests me through irresistible lust.
It suffices my extreme hunger.
Scathes my sinful heart even deeper.

Now I stand exhausted, craving for solace.
There's no purity left on this jagged face.
Bound my life, lead me to the grave,
Because I'm condemned forever a slave.

- Rasui Akira

written in January 30, 2003

The Forsaken

Living in a world of pure lies,
Accustomed to all immoralities.
I've desired a gracious hand,
To pull me out of the hypocrisies.

But I was wrong to have indulged,
In the offer you have presented.
Because it never crossed my mind,
That you could bring me endless torment.

I've offered you my fragile core,
Every bit of breath I've got.
So that you can just bury me,
And leave my flailing corpse to rot.

Is my eternal want for bliss too much?
Why on earth should I be the forsaken?
If so, then let me be burned away.
Because death seems like my only haven.

- Rasui Akira

written in February 7, 2005

Shattered Mirror

With this shattered mirror, I couldn't recognize.
Pieces of reflection, different from thy eyes.
I should have seen one but I witnessed plenty.
Do my portentous memories come back to haunt me?

With this damaged image, I tend to realize,
Majority of my life has been fed by lies.
Under pressure, I succumbed to darkness.
Wasted time that could be of sense.

With this birth of fragments, I awake to the truth.
My foolish games has no other root,
But I, myself and myself alone.
So I would receive thy punishment on my own.

With these bladed shapes of me,
I shall cleanse my soiled soul for all eternity.
Blood will flee thy veins for glorious Thee.
Cut me! Cut me!... And I shall bleed from my sanity!

- Rasui Akira