Hidden Within a Laughter

“Look beyond what you see…”, a silly animated primate uttered.
If only it was taken more seriously.

It has been one of society’s facts that one’s action explains more about his current disposition and perhaps his personality. But have it ever occurred to us that these actions: gestures, motions, and facial expressions, can hide a more complex allocation of our true identity – our emotions?

It was just two days ago, I accompanied someone who was doing some important errands. I’ve found myself struggling to be inconspicuous – discreet with feelings I felt for that person. I tried to stay strong, ignoring minor setbacks, like the several 10 – second glances, the emotionally-filled hand massages, and the awkwardly pathetic “happily ever after” visions.

When we talked, I’ve hidden almost all of my present insecurities towards “that person” within the lame laughs and hysterical babbles. The fear of rejection, the nervousness I’ve felt concerning “that person’s” reaction to my untimely confession, the sadness brought by the reality that we can never be - all of them was encompassed within a veil of methodical chuckles.

The fascinating, and maybe even disappointing, thing about what had happened is that “that person” never got a clue about what I was really going through. I’ve felt mad because he was too numb to sense it, too blind to see what was really there, and that was me. And yet, I was relieved that the worst hasn’t happened yet.

Maybe it is a human condition, hiding what we really want to express. It’s like a defense – mechanism, when we know that conveying the truth will lead to devastating ends, we find some other way to channel out our frustrations, anxieties, uncertainties, and the sort. This makes us feel at ease, even though there’s something terribly wrong, eating through our insides.

If only we were that brave to risk all just to be true. If only I was…

- Rasui Akira