Speed Brakes for the Crash Dummy

Good day, fellow losers.

It’s been almost 3 weeks since my last blog post.

I have committed an act of procrastination towards my writing and have let my enormous hectic work load get the best of me.

Please forgive me for my transgressions…

… And yes, “transgressions” is a big word for me. I feel fancy and sophisticated all of a sudden. Hihi. Anyways…

Recently, I’ve been pretty suppressed with my thoughts and emotions about certain things. Particularly in matters of the heart.

I’m usually the one who goes in head first into the big fuzzy red brick wall of ( do I dare say it? ) LOVE, fueled by the…

“Perhaps…”,
“I can make it work”,
“Give them what they want and I’ll get what I want”,
and the “It will do”…

…attitude I picked up from my past relationships. And with nothing but a cheap helmet on ( crash test dummy much, I know ).

So what’s changed?

It’s the first time ( I think ) that I am able to fully speak about why I am changing my ways now. So here it goes…

It has a major thing to do with pain. Pain isn’t really a good thing in most cases. Especially when you’re sticking a long and rusty lead pipe into someone’s chest.

Because after almost 2 years of being together, I led myself to believe that if you force love hard enough, that eventually, it would be natural.

But there’s nothing natural about shoving someone into your heart with a mallet and hoping you will get used to it and they would stay there forever.

I’ve also had the unfortunate opportunity to destroy myself in the process. I foolishly denounced my principles, my preferences, and my happiness, just to be in a relationship. And ironically, I was wishing to find happiness there.

I was naive to think that I could skip ahead with “cheat codes” and expect to be triumphant in the end. I should have found love in myself first before searching for it in the arms of a stranger.

Experience - you have proven yourself to be my greatest teacher once again.

The worst is over. I’m glad that I’m on the path I’m on now – eyes forward and never looking back. Ok, maybe I’ll glance back every once in a while so I’ll remember what’s good for me.

Maybe that’s why I have my speed brakes on. I’m just fed up with going through the mundane and chaotic cycle of love. Now I’m learning to be patient, to actually take the time to learn and love both myself and another.

Now that’s cleared, just need to know now what love really is…

Sincerely yours,

Rasui Akira

Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )

F*ck it! It’s NOW or NEVER!

After a lot of time wasted on, I don’t know, whining about how I can’t get back on the writing saddle, constantly bitching how I don’t have the time and inspiration for it, and brooding on how much the metro has sucked all the creative juices from me, I’ve decided to settle this once and for all.

Shut up! Get your head on straight! And man up!

It dawned on me that I’ve been doing the same thing as most of us are doing, and trust me I’m not a big fan of parading along with the “herd”. We frequently make up reasons to avoid getting the things we want, our dreams. It’s there! Teasing us. Taunting us. Looking at us with its big puppy dog eyes and saying “F*cking take me!”. But still we retreat to the idea that we are “content” with our mundane lives.

Content?! We’re just scared shitless!

Deep inside one of us, there’s a little Tweety Bird, all cute and cuddly, but with the voice of the possessed kid in the Exorcist. And yes this munchkin of a joy does do 360 degree head spins while it chirps songs from the Devil. That’s how much we are scared of getting what we want in life.

The plain fact that not knowing what will happen next is a deal breaker for most of us. Would I be happy with this? What if it takes me back to my “dark ages”? What would other people think? No matter what reason, all I have to say is…

F*ck it ! It’s now or never !

It’s been one of my life’s mottos is that the only regret I would have in my life is the risk that I didn’t take. As long as it made me happy, I shouldn't f*cking care about what other people think. It’s my life and I should live it the way I want to ( but also in a realistic sense, is also agreeable to society at some point ).

So hopefully, I could maintain this blog and update it regularly. ‘Cause I love to write! And I want it back. No matter what Tweety says.

Hope this helps my fellow losers.

Sincerely yours,

Rasui Akira

Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )