Losing isn't always a bad thing…
Cloud spirit by *Aomori on deviantART
Dear Unicornfucius,
Please rid me of the anger from the perils of the past.
Let me not be swayed by red flashes of their memory,
Let me not be burdened by the heart demons they harbor.
Guide me gently through the days unknown,
And fill each one with the colors of your rainbow.
- Rasui Akira
The new blog design I mean.
Thanks to the good people of Blogger for this new template designer ( which I’ve just discovered recently ), and the creative stylings of Tina Chen and Jason Morrow, my blog now looks decent.
I wouldn’t have had the courage to stir away from my old template ( due to lack of the proper skills ) without this new fangled gadget. But I will miss you dearly Hemingway blog template.
Hooray for innovation! You rock Google!
Hope you stick around! I’ll be coming up with lots of posts in the following days. I feel pumped up more than ever and I’m ready to give my pen and paper the proper lovemaking they deserve. LOL.
I’M BACK, B*TCHES!!!
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
Flooding sight,
Rhythmic dances of light,
Swaying to melodies of the sky.
Suddenly it reveals,
Demons behind its curtains,
Howling gravity at one’s feet.
Sweet is the taste of fruit,
Nestled on inviting hands.
Innocence in its grace.
Alas, it turns bitter and evil,
From juices forbidden, spiting.
From arms subduing, lustful.
Bring unto me,
A breath without smoke,
A heartbeat without knives.
I beseech you!
Senses! Give me clarity!
I cannot take the lies.
- Rasui Akira
Good day, fellow losers.
It’s been almost 3 weeks since my last blog post.
I have committed an act of procrastination towards my writing and have let my enormous hectic work load get the best of me.
Please forgive me for my transgressions…
… And yes, “transgressions” is a big word for me. I feel fancy and sophisticated all of a sudden. Hihi. Anyways…
Recently, I’ve been pretty suppressed with my thoughts and emotions about certain things. Particularly in matters of the heart.
I’m usually the one who goes in head first into the big fuzzy red brick wall of ( do I dare say it? ) LOVE, fueled by the…
“Perhaps…”,
“I can make it work”,
“Give them what they want and I’ll get what I want”,
and the “It will do”…
…attitude I picked up from my past relationships. And with nothing but a cheap helmet on ( crash test dummy much, I know ).
So what’s changed?
It’s the first time ( I think ) that I am able to fully speak about why I am changing my ways now. So here it goes…
It has a major thing to do with pain. Pain isn’t really a good thing in most cases. Especially when you’re sticking a long and rusty lead pipe into someone’s chest.
Because after almost 2 years of being together, I led myself to believe that if you force love hard enough, that eventually, it would be natural.
But there’s nothing natural about shoving someone into your heart with a mallet and hoping you will get used to it and they would stay there forever.
I’ve also had the unfortunate opportunity to destroy myself in the process. I foolishly denounced my principles, my preferences, and my happiness, just to be in a relationship. And ironically, I was wishing to find happiness there.
I was naive to think that I could skip ahead with “cheat codes” and expect to be triumphant in the end. I should have found love in myself first before searching for it in the arms of a stranger.
Experience - you have proven yourself to be my greatest teacher once again.
The worst is over. I’m glad that I’m on the path I’m on now – eyes forward and never looking back. Ok, maybe I’ll glance back every once in a while so I’ll remember what’s good for me.
Maybe that’s why I have my speed brakes on. I’m just fed up with going through the mundane and chaotic cycle of love. Now I’m learning to be patient, to actually take the time to learn and love both myself and another.
Now that’s cleared, just need to know now what love really is…
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
All actual life is encounter.
- Martin Buber, I and Thou ( Ich und Du ), 1923
People and relationships are like the slurry of atoms under a microscope.
In a deeper biological sense ( *puts nerdy glasses on* ), life is basically made up by many singular entities, each continuously making an endless chain of chemical bonds with other entities, to make a much bigger and substantial molecular structure. As time passes, some of the links weaken, either through change in temperature, a chemical reaction, bombardment of other particles or just because it feels like letting go. And this makes the main particle feel less relevant than before, considering that atoms have feelings that is.
If that didn’t make your nose bleed, I don’t know what can. Anyways…
Because we enter this world as lone beings, the connections we make throughout or lives is essential. The kind of company we keep around is crucial part in defining who we are. The same thing goes with the people we don’t have around anymore.
It could be as…
…Simple as an acquaintance, like the new weird silent guy at the office who you can’t seem to break out of his Twilight Zone…
…Deep as a dear friend, who’s your shoulder to cry on or the ears to your spontaneous bitch fits ( which ever way works )…
…Natural as your family, who, for the most part, will be their for you when your at the top of your game or when you decided to jump in a pile of cow poop…
( Or ) … Intimate as your special other -- a boyfriend or girlfriend, a soul mate, a husband or a wife, or just someone who… completes you ( bring on the mushy potatoes and cheesiness!!! Oh, boy. ) …
Whatever kind of relationship it may be, every time one detaches from you, it’s gonna hurt. The only difference is how painful it will be in the morning when you realize that, you, someone else or fate, pulled off that giant Velcro strip attached to your heart.
But there would be band-aids for 3rd degree nylon hook abrasions. And the creation of ingestible contents of alcohol ( thank you, innovation! )would somehow help to ease the pain. We will still have go forth and continue with the way of the lonely atom, charging nucleus-first in the vast pool of particles, with better knowledge and understanding of the fact that relationships should never be taken for granted.
We should cease all thought of neglect towards the people we have in our lives. Because we will never know when life would be throwing a killing rampage, and before we know it, the links we have will be blurry, broken, hanging by a thread or even gone.
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
I always find it a good day to start ( or in this case, re-start ) things on or before Easter Sunday.
With all the shit that hit my large industrial fan this month, all I can say is…
This is for sure, this time around.
Part of me being a modern day loser is what has happened to me in the past, which I’ve depicted in most of my early literary works ( if you can call it as such ). That’s why I’ve migrated my stuff from my old blog ( Harakiri – Poetry and Proses ) here. So if you are brave enough to venture into my old stuff, be my guest!
I will try to put in my new stuff here as well. But, mind you, they are many, so may take some time to get them all in at once.
Don’t worry, no more lollygagging on my part. No more excuses. This is what I’m here for – to mess your daily routines with my mysterious Jedi mind tricks and get you reading my blog. Ok, I’m not a big Star Wars fan so I may be lying about the Jedi mind tricks. I still have a lot under my sleeves to get you interested, if you know what I mean ( LOL, I’m kidding ).
If you guys have any suggestions on articles or posts that is with the spirit of the blog, please don’t hesitate to give ‘em to me!
Oh, yeah! F*ck yeah!
Sorry, too much caffeine, nicotine and residual alcohol in my system.
See you people in a while, with my new posts!
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
After a lot of time wasted on, I don’t know, whining about how I can’t get back on the writing saddle, constantly bitching how I don’t have the time and inspiration for it, and brooding on how much the metro has sucked all the creative juices from me, I’ve decided to settle this once and for all.
Shut up! Get your head on straight! And man up!
It dawned on me that I’ve been doing the same thing as most of us are doing, and trust me I’m not a big fan of parading along with the “herd”. We frequently make up reasons to avoid getting the things we want, our dreams. It’s there! Teasing us. Taunting us. Looking at us with its big puppy dog eyes and saying “F*cking take me!”. But still we retreat to the idea that we are “content” with our mundane lives.
Content?! We’re just scared shitless!
Deep inside one of us, there’s a little Tweety Bird, all cute and cuddly, but with the voice of the possessed kid in the Exorcist. And yes this munchkin of a joy does do 360 degree head spins while it chirps songs from the Devil. That’s how much we are scared of getting what we want in life.
The plain fact that not knowing what will happen next is a deal breaker for most of us. Would I be happy with this? What if it takes me back to my “dark ages”? What would other people think? No matter what reason, all I have to say is…
F*ck it ! It’s now or never !
It’s been one of my life’s mottos is that the only regret I would have in my life is the risk that I didn’t take. As long as it made me happy, I shouldn't f*cking care about what other people think. It’s my life and I should live it the way I want to ( but also in a realistic sense, is also agreeable to society at some point ).
So hopefully, I could maintain this blog and update it regularly. ‘Cause I love to write! And I want it back. No matter what Tweety says.
Hope this helps my fellow losers.
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
I would like to give this notice to my readers ( and possible future readers ) of this blog that I will be using a lot of profanity when I write. I swear a lot in real life, and I decided it wouldn’t be natural for me ( and for you of course ), if I would edit the profanity out. I want the blog to reflect me in ways that it doesn’t feel fake, or limited.
So for those who are faint of heart and doesn’t like the use of the words “F*CK” and “DICK” in the same sentence, I suggest you get used to it or find some filtering do-hickey ( with a lot of people working on add-ons for Firefox, it wouldn’t surprise me if there is one… and yes I hate IE ). I would take some time to edit and/or censor such dirty words with asterisks ( * ). But if I missed any, all I could say is…
Woops! My bad. Muhahahaha!
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
In attempts to start my kick-off post for this blog, I decided to write about the idea behind the blog’s name, how it came to be in the first place, and how it would hopefully become a medium for who knows of what purpose.
All I’m sure of is that I wanted to write again.
It’s been ages since I sat down, bowed my head, drowned my ears to the music of my headphones until my heart told my hand to write something, which eventually turned out to be pretty damn good, most of the time.
But for approximately two years, I went into a mandatory writing hiatus. One that is brought up by either my refusal to go back to my “old days”, where I wrote most of my poetry while I was depressed, confused or angry or either by the fact that the gift I have for the written word ( if I did have one ) has been lost for good.
I had the “groove”. I lost it. Now I want it back.
Fucked up or not, I know I can write something. It may be some random piece of sucky nonsense or something meaningful, influential and even life changing. I just missed the feeling you get when you touch someone else, though they're far away. The butterflies you have when a reader says that somehow they felt a connection between you and what you’ve wrote.
I have to do it. I will do it. I must. For myself for once.
Why did I call this blog “Modern Day Loser” in the first place?
Well the name was from my Plurk page ( which I know is gathering dust like most of my social networking accounts ), entitled “Re-evolution of the Modern Day Loser”. I gave it the title because at the time when I’ve felt that I’m a loser.
I always did things half –baked (and the fact that I recently wear a bag everyday that says “Never Do Things Have Baked” is both a smack on the forehead and a motivation for me). I stunk when it came to grasping relationships ( or keeping them for more than a month ). Though people close to me thinks that I’m accomplished and in general a great guy, I had the opposite idea about myself or somehow I felt that I’m not as complete as they think I am to be.
But beneath all the crap I felt, I was thankful that I am the way I am ( weird I know... ). Because without the struggles ( and perhaps the knee-high shit I was in ), I wouldn't have been the person I am today, somehow stronger, smarter and more equipped to handle the storms that life may throw in my direction.
On that note, this blogged is formed around the idea that losing ( in a general sense ) may be seen as a bad thing at first. But the rewards of being a loser, and at times when you least expect it, are greater than those of the winners have gained.
As much as possible, this blog would mostly showcase the up-side to the bad things ( OK, I’m not an expert on optimism but I’m working on it ). That...
Losing ain’t always a bad thing.
So hope that you would stick around for my next posts. Take care.
Sincerely yours,
Rasui Akira
Official Head MDL ( Modern Day Loser )
I gazed at heaven’s eye,
While longing for a magical embrace.
And then, you held me.
With warmth so true,
it turned my cold heart
into a river,
that only knows
the depths of you.
I am yours.
You are mine.
We are one tonight.
- Rasui Akira
written on October 3, 2007 - 11:54 PM
Unnerving.
More than
the clock’s ticking,
on this silent night.
Its words…
…those cold words…
…your words
Like a recorded song,
being played
over and over.
Robbed my hope,
of ever hearing
your heart beat.
- Rasui Akira
written on March 10, 2007 - 1:29 AM
Lay me on a distant land,
where groves bear fruits of the sun,
and the heavens whisper words,
sweet as the morning’s dew.
Lay me while the waters scurry.
Let it tickle my weary hand
as I play with it,
like strings of a guitar.
Lay me as If I was a feather,
falling from an angel’s wing.
Slowly taking down,
Then resting on earth’s arms.
Let me lay on the paradise,
My illusions created.
For reality seems so foreign.
So please console me,
and lay me down.
- Rasui Akira
written on March 3, 2007 - 8:30 AM
I bask beneath the hidden night,
while fingers caress the land.
A marvelous symphony,
on strings of coconut palms.
Lights blend with the music,
and heaven’s brush creates
a myriad of images,
laid on the sea’s onyx canvas.
Shores gave their applause,
as the climax commences.
Awestruck, I remain,
soaking in all the spectacles.
This show is far from over.
The next act has only begun.
- Rasui Akira
written on January 28, 2007 – 8:06 PM
Don’t take me…
I hide
behind blinds,
that shut out
what’s coming.
It stings!
The light comes for me.
Helpless,
I’m taken closer…
and closer…
and closer.
Let go!
I did not want this!
I resent your paradise!
I loathe your gift of eternity!
Throw me back!
Don’t take me… Please…
- Rasui Akira
written on December 27, 2006 - 4:27 AM
What hands can’t touch,
Eyes can grasp.
Echoes from pools of amber hues,
Like voices beyond the tunnel,
Beckoning, seducing…
I’m your fool.
Soul begs to be your reflection…
…You allow it.
Heart surrenders for your bidding…
…You take it.
Mind halts…
…I,
…You,
…One!
Lips on leather soles,
Tastes like juice
from the apples of Eden.
Give me more!
I’m your fool,
A fool’s fool.
I’m… a… fool…
- Rasui Akira
written on December 22, 2006 - 9:09 PM
Ton of ideas
laid out on paper,
Drawing blood
in every stroke,
Relief in each unveiling.
Foreign eyes often ignore,
beauty between the lines.
Those who dare,
are honored by its presence.
If only it has reached the minds
of people whom they are meant for.
The shouts are silenced.
The lights are dimmed.
The ink won’t flow…
…It won’t flow.
- Rasui Akira
written on December 20, 2006 - 8:32 PM
The swaying of the pendulum,
The ticking of time,
The passing of day to night.
It’s done, I couldn’t go back.
All I could do
is let you hear this word.
Then maybe, just maybe,
It could erase that moment.
Turn it into a void,
That neither of us knew existed.
Burned into our dreams,
Etched into our lives.
It’s over, can’t be undone.
Nothing could ever change it.
Still… I’m sorry.
- Rasui Akira
written on December 20, 2006 – 4:31 PM
I want to kiss the moon this Christmas,
And let skies shed tears of snow.
I want chills to run through my body,
Like water through stream as they flow.
Remind me of sweetness.
Let me feel love just once.
I want to hug the stars,
So warmth will make me feel.
That someone…
…somewhere
…someday,
Will answer my prayers when I kneel.
Remind me that I dream,
Let me know that I’m heard.
I want to be a puzzle,
Only with that missing piece.
Maybe then I’ll be content,
My soul will be at ease.
Remind me that it’s possible,
Remind me that it can be real,
And the holidays will somehow make it happen.
- Rasui Akira
written on December 20, 2006 – 3:34 PM
The weight is on my shoulders.
It’s for me,
and me alone.
The smoke,
I inhale
and exhale.
The sweet poison,
I’m drowning in,
The strain,
the sweat,
the tears,
Is my undoing.
Get you’re hands away from me!
I don’t need your kindness.
Will it soothe me?
Will it end my thirst?
You only think that it will.
This is mine.
Mine!
Only mine.
- Rasui Akira
written on November 17, 2006 - 10:46 AM
I’m the lost boy,
Smelt of smoke and liquor,
And who stared into infinity.
The lights spun,
round and round.
The sounds
startled my quiet heart.
And the people
moved swiftly.
I wish my innocence never died
when I vomited.
It still comes.
Nausea, burning my insides.
Wash my stained clothes.
Give me a bath.
Please! Rid me of the chaos!
- Rasui Akira
written on November 13, 2006 – 3:05 PM
