I'm a prisoner of pain, struggling to be free.
To get away from all this agony.
I'm full of scars that cannot heal,
From all this suffering that I feel.
I'm a prisoner of pain, drowning in this heartache.
Not sure how much more of this I could take.
Lifelessly bleeding in this dark and lonely cell,
Longing to speak the words that I dare not tell.
I'm a prisoner of pain, crying in this sorrow.
All these pain left my heart all hollow.
There's no time that I don't feel melancholy.
What did I do to deserve such tragedy?
I'm a prisoner of pain, slowly passing away.
Dying so not to see another day.
This pain I feel has done its toll.
This pain has already reached its goal.
God, free my soul!
- Rasui Akira
1 comment:
Your poem is a somber, defeatistic, melancholic, somewhat striking piece of art.
It is striking only when I condition myself to get stricken by what is suggested in the first line.
The first line is a trite and melodramic rendition of the statement: "I am sad" or "I am alone".
Hyperbolic it is.
Is the first line inviting?
No. In a poet's point of view, it cannot be!
The first stanza is a literary clutter.
The first line is worsen by the grammatically erratic second.
The word "agony" must not be used as a plural noun.
Unlike the word "pain", which is a collective noun, we cannot say "all this agony" as in "all this pain".
It should have been: "all these agonies".
You say:
"I'm full of scars that cannot heal
From all this suffering that I feel"
Well, if not of the drive for nitpicking, I would not have finished the entire baffled piece of poetry.
Actually, scars are the monumental mark we see on top of our skin which tell us that once upon a time, a wound, a cut, an abrasion, a lesion, a sore of any size and shape lived on our body and gave us our share of pain. We continue to bleed out of that morbid opening until it heals naturally and reduce itself into but a scar. Get it?
I cannot believe you there are scars that don't heal!
I will leave the fourth line for my 3-year old nephew to scrutinize.
A prisoner of pain drowning in a heartache?
To tell you honestly, a mixed metaphor will instantly kill a poem, but that is one rule I have loved to defy.
It depends upon the manipulation of words.
Well, in your case, the poem has not only died, it has seen half of the abyss. The mixing of metaphor coupled with fuzzy direction and over-neccessitated rhyming surely will not make a first-rate poem.
You say:
"There's no time that I don't feel melancholy
What did I do to deserve such tradegy?"
The word melancholy deserves the article "the"
you do not say "i feel fever" instead you say "i feel the fever". Am i right? So, it should have been:
"there is no time I don't feel the melancholy"
Had your teacher taught you not to use no double negatives? Double negatives are permissible only for seasoned poets! ... and please, ommit the word "that" and check your spelling!
Technically, the poem is a total mess. A chaos!
But, there is something hidden between the undernourished lines that I cannot help but not overlook: despair!
You are still young and you have so much to learn.
I understand why you write amateurishly, but i cannot understand why you have already gone such excruciating scourges of life at a very early age.
Forgive me for being so crassly straightforward in my criticism, it is just me.
The truth is, I have loved your poem, especially the ending. It might lack technical substance. It might be grammatically flawed but verily, it conveys a moving message especially meant for people like us, who had experienced the bludgeoning of everyday affair with mankind and the ideas that surrounds it.
I am sure, you will soon be a world-renown poet,
Just keep on practicing. Just keep on loving your craft no matter what critics sling unto you. Just keep on suffering. Do not struggle to get yourself in the comfort of banality. Despair rather than give in!
A great artist abhors technicalities. Never mind me minutes ago, it is my alter ego hitting the keyboard.
It is not on the mastery of language or of words that the nobility of a craft relies: it is on the message, on the sincerity.
You remind me of myself some years ago.
I love to become your friend, let us share the delight of our miseries!
If you wish to reply, here is my email ad:
amadeus_po@yahoo.com or lolito_go@dangerous-minds.com
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