When It's Gone

You’ve been with it the whole time,
Shared each moment without even caring.
And now when it’s slowly slipping away,
You realize its true importance.

Many of us have faced such a dilemma. Things don’t seem significant while they’re there – even if it helps you laugh, provides you company when you’re alone or even lets you borrow a few bucks when you’re out of luck. Why is it that the absence of something, or perhaps someone, emphasizes its existence?

The idea reared its ugly head within the depths of my being. Reality has once again concocted an evil scheme to rid me of my present bliss. Time and space was all it took to realize what was really there.

I felt it in my veins, in my conscience, and in my aura. But, I was too reluctant to assure myself that what I harbored was true. So I denied love even if it was yearning to be presented to that one special person ( you know who you are – let just use the codename “TAO” for reference ). I concealed, within the hollow regions of my troubled heart, the message that would either make or break our past, present and future.

Unfortunately, my hesitation may have cost me my comfort. It may have even heightened the burden I was carrying. As I come to the awakening that TAO may forever be lost to me, I took my chances and released all the emotions that lingered within me.

After my untimely revelation, I became hopeful – hopeful that TAO might reciprocate the LOVE that I feel. I remained a fool, eagerly wishing that TAO will linger.

But I don’t hold TAO’s destiny.

So it is certain that TAO will in fact leave me. And I’ll hopelessly wait for TAO’s return. Maybe, if I have told TAO sooner, I may have had the chance.

No, even that fantasy is too good for me.

To answer the question I stated earlier, maybe losing someone or something is the same as never even having that thing or person. There’s a void that needs to be filled – a black hole that resides within every one of us waiting for a big bang to turn that lifeless vacuum into a glorious star; the shining body that fills you up and makes you complete.

Too bad, fate is my enemy. It probably won’t give me that satisfaction of being even partially complete.

Ain’t life a bitch!

- Rasui Akira

Forbidden

I gaze upon your glorious image,
Stood bedazzled by your aura.
Dreamt of your eternal touch,
That'll soothe my shakened being.

But like the fruit contained in the garden of bliss,
You must forever remain untampered.
No one can ever taste your luscious essence,
For it might bring despair to whom who disturbs your peace.

Though you are forbidden to thy reach,
My longing for such grace has left me weak.
Disabled by the insatiable hunger,
That resides within the depths of my core.

Do I defy the law and receive thy smiting?
Or should I remain and persist to worship you endlessly.
Only my will could attest such inquiry.
So for now, I must be solemn until judgment is certain.

- Rasui Akira

written on February 16, 2005

Shackled

Encompassed in a world of irony,
Aided by wayward blasphemy.
From the silence, I must retreat,
And utter words of my defeat.

But shackled is me, can't move about.
Restrained by my paltry doubt.
On what and what's not to abstain,
On pleasures that I should contain.

Long I faced the disabling gust,
That ingests me through irresistible lust.
It suffices my extreme hunger.
Scathes my sinful heart even deeper.

Now I stand exhausted, craving for solace.
There's no purity left on this jagged face.
Bound my life, lead me to the grave,
Because I'm condemned forever a slave.

- Rasui Akira

written in January 30, 2003

The Forsaken

Living in a world of pure lies,
Accustomed to all immoralities.
I've desired a gracious hand,
To pull me out of the hypocrisies.

But I was wrong to have indulged,
In the offer you have presented.
Because it never crossed my mind,
That you could bring me endless torment.

I've offered you my fragile core,
Every bit of breath I've got.
So that you can just bury me,
And leave my flailing corpse to rot.

Is my eternal want for bliss too much?
Why on earth should I be the forsaken?
If so, then let me be burned away.
Because death seems like my only haven.

- Rasui Akira

written in February 7, 2005

Shattered Mirror

With this shattered mirror, I couldn't recognize.
Pieces of reflection, different from thy eyes.
I should have seen one but I witnessed plenty.
Do my portentous memories come back to haunt me?

With this damaged image, I tend to realize,
Majority of my life has been fed by lies.
Under pressure, I succumbed to darkness.
Wasted time that could be of sense.

With this birth of fragments, I awake to the truth.
My foolish games has no other root,
But I, myself and myself alone.
So I would receive thy punishment on my own.

With these bladed shapes of me,
I shall cleanse my soiled soul for all eternity.
Blood will flee thy veins for glorious Thee.
Cut me! Cut me!... And I shall bleed from my sanity!

- Rasui Akira