I spent almost three years being an inhabitant of a desolate soul. I’ve gone from the hopeful individual who assumed too much, to a shattered entity which eventually grew to become a dark and bitter character.
I’ve hated the world then, giving no love for almost all it encompasses; the ones who didn’t understood me, the ones who continuously kept me down, the promises of bliss I stupidly believed. Everything just made my stomach turn, my eyes flood with tears and my heart disintegrate into dust.
I felt no love for the world. I felt no love for myself.
It was long time ago, yet the scars remain fresh. With my haunting past still corrupting me, I often ask myself, could I ever be healed? Do I need to be healed? And with this, I must also ask if could ever love again. And if so do I even need to love again?
Love, which has been kept extensively, has now dissipated from my frail heart. The sadistic trials that trampled my very spirit, have unsuspectingly numbed my senses. Thus, I’m left dueling with emotions, frequently questioning my capabilities to identify love and to acknowledge such love. I’m left clueless, continuously swinging back and forth, being swept by the tide and will eventually be thrown back to shore once the waves have subsided.
Is this what I’ve been reduced to? Was my quest to search “the one” futile? Because now that I did found “the one”, I can’t even distinguish what I feel or even what she feels.
It can only go two ways: it could end up with one of us being hurt or it could end up with us being together.
The words that will soon flee my mouth will be the one to establish our fate. And may the words that escape thy lips would be enough to break the accursed spell that has been bequeathed upon me. May I speak the words of sincerity so I may not wound her will. May I not beseech her with my ambiguity and naivety of the subject.
May tomorrow be that day...
- Rasui Akira
